by rossanahead | Apr 17, 2011 | career, children, Gina Abuyuan, parenting, woman
By Gina Abuyuan
I would probably now own a Mac Air, have a year’s worth of rent paid, and a lilac Gucci handbag made of the most sublime, buttery leather if I were paid a peso every time I’ve been told/asked:
* “I-feature mo naman ako,” (“Can you do a feature on me?”) when people learn I edit a magazine (well, when I did);
* “Masakit?” (“Did it hurt?”) when they see the tattoo on my wrist; and
* “May lahi kayo?” (“Is it in your genes?”) when people learn I have twins.
And I would probably be now driven around in a mini-van if I gave myself a peso every time I promised myself: “I will not get dramatic about my being a working mom”—and broke it.
Don’t get me wrong—I love being a working mother. I love the adrenaline and challenge it gives me; I love being paid for what I love to do. But sometimes, the stress gets the better of me. I retreat into my selfish, self-centered world and resent the fact that other people (my sister, for instance, who I love dearly, again please don’t get me wrong) have got it easy: their husbands bring home bacon (a full slab at that!), all they’ve got to worry about is the kids’ baon, bring them to and pick them up from school, and make sure dinner is ready when hubby arrives.
But is it really that easy? I once was left sans yaya, when my twin boys were still babies, and a whole day taking care of them left me more sapped than 48 hours putting my then-magazine to bed. I marvel at the energy of my partner’s ex-wife, B, who’s chosen to be a homemaker to her current husband and two daughters. She’s up at dawn, cooks the family’s meals, drives the kids to school, hangs out in the mall while waiting for them to get out of class, drives them back home, takes care of her husband, and drives them to extracurricular activities during the weekends.
One time, when we were corresponding about her son’s schooling and she had missed an e-mail or two, she was profuse in her apologies. She was so busy, she said, but probably not as busy as I was, an editor. I stopped her right there. No way, I told her. It’s OK. Nothing can be busier than a full-time mom and homemaker.
So, yes, I do get emotionally frayed sometimes, especially when deadlines are piling up, editorial assistants are calling, and texting non-stop to follow up on stories, book clients are asking (“but no pressure! Just asking!”) if the copy is ready, and public relations practitioners are requesting for interviews “at the most convenient time.”
But, as I remind myself, that just like B and my sister, I made a choice. I made a choice to be a working mother. Not just a 9 to 5 pencil-pusher, mind you, but the type of worker who needs to hustle and have the ability to speak/write/understand different voices. Sure, I can un-make that choice, but that will mean going against who I am, what I was meant to do, and what I’m happy doing–occasional dramatics notwithstanding.
by rossanahead | Apr 7, 2011 | family, Gina Abuyuan, parenting, woman
By Gina Abuyuan
It started mid-last year, me taking my daughter to the mall, allowing her and her friends to walk around without me or other parents chaperoning them. I’d sit by myself in a coffee shop armed with my laptop and a grandé, trying to look cool. But each time they’d rush by—a gaggle of adolescent girls, their male companions ambling awkwardly after them—I’d shoot straight up, my neck craning, try to see what they were up to, what they were doing.
My partner, who spent two years overseas and did not see the more gentle parts of this transition—from playdates to Mom-daughter dates to barkada dates—still feels a little crestfallen when S asks him to drive her to this mall and that. “May sarili nang lakad,” he says, his mouth in an upside-down U. “I never thought this day would come, and that I’d feel this way.”
But who ever is? I spent the majority of my time away from my boys until only last year, due to a variety of (stupid) reasons—too much work, too much partying, too many problems in my love life—and now, not only do I regret it, I find myself trying to make up for lost time by squeezing every possible iota of cuteness out of them while it still exists. But they’re already seven. Pretty soon, they’ll have to get circumcised, want their own time away from Mommy, and will be reminding me to buy extra razors. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that.
Some parents don’t want to let go because of sheer over-protectiveness. I don’t think that’s the case with me. No one wants their children hurt or harmed, but disappointment and pain is a way of life, and shapes character.
Some don’t want to let go because, to put it simply, they don’t trust their kids. They believe Mom/Dad knows best, and that kids will never be able to take care of themselves on their own. This isn’t the case with me either; a huge part of a parent’s role is to bring up their child/children so they be self-sufficient, are equipped with the smarts and skills to deal with difficulties and live life the best way they want to. Any action or belief contrary to that is disempowering and unfair to the child—and the parent.
So what has me still mulling over S and her teenage shows of independence? What is it that has me poised breathless, almost on the brink of fear? Maybe it’s the thought of her leaving me. Maybe it’s the thought of her choosing her friends, and eventually, her boyfriends and spouse over me. I’ve gone through the cycle. I’ve got good reason to be afraid, haha.
Of course, I know I’m getting ahead of myself more than a decade here, but still. You get to think about a whole lot of junk while you’re sitting in a café, nursing a grandé.
by rossanahead | Apr 1, 2011 | children, Gina Abuyuan, parenting, woman
By Gina Abuyuan
In my most recent post, I listed down qualities or “practices” that solo parents may be doing to be raising pretty well-rounded and well-grounded children. Aside from showing them—inadvertently or advertently—a more “real” view of the world, and teaching them to be more responsible and understanding, solo parents somehow also produce more conscientious children. Whether this is a reaction rooted in guilt (since the child sees the parent having to exert double the effort in everything), I don’t know. I’m no psychologist, so this can all be attributed to observation.
One of the areas I see this trait in is money and material possessions. Even with the world at his feet and everyone around him eager to make up for his lack of a mother via gifts or cash, J, my partner’s son, shrugs it off. I’ve heard him say more than once, “I have enough.” Sometimes we even have to force him to think of things for us to buy him when we go abroad or even to the supermarket. Once, when I brought him an assortment of potato chips, he asked me whom they were for. His reason? He didn’t ask for them, so they must be for somebody else.
I still have yet to encounter a problem with him going overboard his budget. Since he’s already in college, his allowance is substantially higher than his half sisters (on his mom’s side), and his would-be stepsister and brother (on his dad’s side, through me). That’s not to say he scrimps, but it’s apparent he’s a smarter spender and saver than most 20-year-olds with their own car and access to a bank account.
I see the same cautiousness about finances in my daughter. It’s not that she doesn’t want anything, but saving up and spending for something she lusts after is second nature to her. Three years ago, at 10 years old, she saved her Christmas money to buy a Mac optical mouse worth P3,000. The year after that, she bought her own Skullcandy earphones. This year, after selling her first wave of silicone ballers (and paying what she owed me in full the very moment she could), she bought her own DS, and treated herself to a few pieces at Forever 21. (It made me think—what was I doing when I was 13? Lying in my bed daydreaming about Duran Duran, that’s what.)
So what did my partner and I do—aside from triggering in them a certain sense of responsibility due to our situation—that made them more careful about money than normal? Here’s what I think:
* We encouraged piggy banks or money jars at an early age. I prefer a transparent jar so kids can see how much is being saved. Let them lift the jar from time to time to see how heavy it’s getting. Take a few coins out to buy some candy to show them the concrete relation between money and a product. (I haven’t opened bank accounts for my kids yet, but my partner has. Maybe I should soon.)
* Make them earn it. I didn’t do the “do your chores” bit, since I believe kids should pitch in without getting paid; besides, with what my daughter earns with her ballers, you think she’d even want to wash the dishes for P50? Nah. When my daughter said, “I want to earn money,” I asked her to figure out what she was good at, and make money from that. She’s quite adept at graphic design, so boom. Ballers. Next up: bags and shirts.
* I keep my kids’ money gifts, but when we go out and they see something they like, I remind them about the amount that’s with me. I ask them to think twice about whether they want to blow all of it on that certain product, or if they can live without it, or if they’d like to look around more. It discourages impulse buying.
* We’re careful about our own attitudes about money, and how they might influence the kids. We’re generous when we can, we’re honest about tightening the belt straps if need be. Eating in Mang Larry’s in U.P. doesn’t mean we can’t have as a good time if we eat in Burgoo’s. We don’t like swiping the card, and my partner has illustrated to my daughter and to his son the horrors and problems of people mired in debt. We never say “money is the root of all evil,” because money can be good—it just depends on how you use it. I’m particularly sensitive about the phrase “wala akong pera” because that creates waves of energy that will make it a self-fulfilling prophecy, so I call my daughter’s and partner’s attention whenever I hear that. We also like to point out stuff in the news—the AFP scandal, for instance—and use them as opportunities to remind them that stolen money or ill-gotten wealth means you’ve deprived other people of their due, and it’s likely to come back and bite you nastily in the ass.
by rossanahead | Mar 25, 2011 | Gina Abuyuan, parenting, woman
By Gina Abuyuan
A friend and I got into a pretty huge argument a couple of years ago when she kept on insisting that I was a solo parent, while I felt the total opposite. Well, technically, I was—I was recently annulled and living alone–but the support group I had from family, my partner (who at that time was working abroad), loyal househelp, and friends made me more equipped at parenting from all fronts than most moms who were married.
Perhaps what irked me most was how she categorized or described kids of solo parents. They had issues, she said. Special issues that needed special attention. And that I, being a solo parent, would not be able to best handle such issues.
Not to say I’m turning a blind eye towards situations that may indeed need intervention, or that I’m in total denial about issues kids raised by one parent may have (believe me, I’ve seen and heard quite a few), but the scenario isn’t as bleak as she wanted to paint it to be.
In fact, kids of solo parents can be intrapersonally healthier than kids of partnered parents. Of course it depends on the environment in which the child is brought up. It goes without saying that if a child is brought up with respect, attention, and a fair amount of discipline, he or she will turn out ok.
Here are other things single parents may be doing that help in producing more well-grounded kids:
* Single parents have a more solid view of reality. It may sting at first, but there comes a point when every solo parent realizes that they’ve “missed the bus” in the fairy tale life department. Therefore, solo moms and dads are more conscious of bringing up their kids with a more balanced and sober view of disappointment and unmet expectations. Whether one turns bitter and cynical, or hopeful—but not naïve and psycho—is up to him or her. What every single parent should watch out for though is the syndrome called “parent-child,” wherein the child takes the role of the parent. The child may feel he or she should take upon the role of an adult, or even take care of mom or dad.
* Without meaning to, single parents teach their kids to be more understanding and responsible. Those family weekend trips to the mall, the church, the on-the-dot family dinners? Sure, a two-parent unit can fulfill those easily most of the time, but when taken up by a solo parent, schedules tend to get moved around. There’s work to be done, errands to be run, tasks that have to be completed that would be much easier if mom/dad had a partner. Kids of solo parents learn to deal with unexpected glitches early in life, and therefore become more understanding. If you’re lucky, your kids will also take it upon themselves to bring to the table—whether it be a particular behavior, or duty—something uniquely his or hers, in order to make the family function better.
* Kids of single parents communicate more and better. Again, provided he or she has no deep emotional or mental issues, single parents seem to make more efforts in communication and keeping connected with their kids. Heck, who else do they have to talk to anyway? Likewise, who else can you turn to to learn about what they’re going through? You don’t have a spouse, and a yaya isn’t exactly the best source of information. I may be wrong, but observation has shown me that kids of solo parents are more bonded with their mom/dad on deeper levels.
And, oh, in case you’re wondering, my friend doesn’t have kids. Neither is she married.
Photo by Randy Rooibaatjie on Unsplash
by rossanahead | Mar 18, 2011 | Education, Gina Abuyuan, parenting, woman
By Gina Abuyuan
Previously, I mentioned the amount of parent involvement non-traditional schools may require—self-imposed field trips, for once, have been de rigueur for me since my twins started a blended school program. But even if you don’t feel obliged to organize little jaunts for you and your kids, taking a simple trip to a restaurant (and I’m not talking the usual fastfood joint), or a much bigger production such as an out-of-town weekender, can still be both education and not just fun.
Now that summer’s here, you can have more reasons to make every moment a moment of learning for your kids. It’s not difficult—all it takes is a little effort, time, money (but not so much as you would spend going to, say, Boracay), and the readiness to venture beyond the comfort zones of the malls.
Here are some suggestions:
* North of Manila, try Bulacan. In Plaridel, there is the memorial to Juan Evangelista, Pablo Maniquiz, and other Filipino revolutionaries that resisted the U.S. army that annexed the Philippines a century and a decade ago. This is a favorite of author Red Constantino and wife, Kala, and their kids Rio, 12, and Luna, 10. A history essayist, he’s big on historical sites, especially those that celebrate national pride. He also suggests Malolos, which has the Barasoain Church. Malolos also has Casa Real, which houses the printing press that published revolutionary papers during the days of the Philippine Republic. You can also visit the Bautista home on Kamestisuhan Street, a grand old house built during the Spanish period.
(Within Manila, there is Casa Manila in Intramuros, where I took my own kids, where I spoke myself harsh reading the markers to my seven-year-old twin boys, and encouraging them to imagine how life might have been like in those times.)
* Bulacan also has Biak na Bato National Park in San Miguel and the historic Real de Cacarong in Pandi.
* Southbound, try the Viaje del Sol route (viajedelsol.org, a tour that covers Laguna, Quezon, and Batangas). You can cover Ugu Bigyan’s pottery studio and garden (although if you have rambunctious, hard-to-handle kids, you might want to skip this) or go to Café San Luis at the foot of Mt. Banahaw for trekking, a visit to the waterfalls, and coffee. You can spend the night in either of those places or drive back towards Laguna and check in at Casa San Pablo (casasanpablo.com), run by the genteel Alcantara family.
* Liliw, Laguna is only an hour away. If you’re churchgoers, you can hear mass at its great old church or go shoe-shopping. Everything is priced rock-bottom and made well. I once bought a pair of slippers there that were pretty enough to wear to a beach wedding, and they lasted me a couple of years.
* Closer to Manila is Pinto Museum in Antipolo (formerly Pinto Gallery, a beautiful place and collection of artwork lovingly put together by renowned patron Dr. Joven Cuanang). As with all museums, noise and boisterous play is discouraged, so brief your kids first before entering.
As I said, anything can be a learning experience for kids, particularly a trip to an art gallery. The Pinto Museum presents talking points about art of all kinds—installation, sculpture, modern, mixed media. Allow them to be slightly creeped-out by the antique wooden icons in the small chapel; overwhelmed by those in the big works gallery (built around equally-gigantic stumps of ancient boulders); and question Elmer Borlongan’s take on the human figure.
* You can also try Seven Suites Hotel and Observatory in Hollywood Hills, Sumulong Highway, Antipolo. Its resident astronomer, Ramon Acevedo, is eager to teach and talk to kids about the stars and planets, and there’s nothing that gets him sadder than seeing cloudy skies and kids’ faces fall when they’re told the giant telescope won’t work under zero visibility.
I guess the important thing for parents to remember is that no matter where you go—your favorite mall, your own garden, Disneyland, the beach—show interest so they too, will gain interest. Keep judgments and biases to yourself; allow them to express their own opinions. Let the conversation and questions flow. I guarantee you, the fun and learning experience will be shared by both you AND your kids!
Photo by Kevin Delvecchio on Unsplash
by rossanahead | Mar 13, 2011 | Education, Gina Abuyuan, parenting, woman
By Gina Abuyuan
Traditional or progressive schools—what’s best for your child?
I am obviously an advocate of the more “progressive” route. Some parents even call it “un-schooling.” My teen goes to a high school that focuses on junior entrepreneurship; my twins attend a blended schooling program that puts together the experience of classroom, online, and homeschooling. I don’t believe that rote memorization or rules to conform will make my children achieve their best potential.
However, progressive schools aren’t for all; depending on what you envision your child to be in the future, among others, he or she may just fit in a traditional school.
Consider:
- Your child’s personality. Many counselors, educators, and human resource experts usually refer to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator assessment to determine what tasks or duties best fit individuals (it’s also got a version for pre-teens). Your child can be an extravert, intravert, sensing, intuitive, thinking, feeling, judging, or perceiving type. Extraverts like to talk and thrive in groups, which may make them shine better in bigger classes; intuitive types do well in environments that encourage original ways to solve problems (which is offered by non-trad schools). Kids who are “feeling” like to relate to other people and dislike teachers who are distant; judging types are organized who have no problem with defined tasks, which is clearly apparent in traditional environments.
- What matters to you? Traditional schools offer standardized tests to know your child’s educational standing. Kids are grouped by age and academic standing. Since traditional schools’ names are already established, they offer the appeal of more job opportunities later on. If you and your husband are of the type to value social connections, or acknowledge what “the old boy network” can offer, then traditional schools may just be for you.
- Your time. Progressive schools call for a lot of parent involvement. As I said in my previous post, I’m quite hands-on and take my kids out on self-imposed field trips to give them the experience that the classroom is beyond the four walls of whatever school building or institution. But I can do this because I work from home and my schedule is flexible. When I was working fulltime, I let the teachers do the teaching. Even when my daughter was going to a progressive school, I seldom sat down with her to discuss her lessons. I did go to school activities, but that was it.
- Your child’s cues. If you can see your child enjoying going to a traditional school, if he isn’t dragging his feet and complaining and making excuses not to go, then that means he’s happy and content. But, if he displays any extreme behavior—“ cannot cope in his current classroom setup…a highly populated school or one with conventional rules and regulations; is having academic performance difficulties; is disruptive or disorderly…; shows signs of emotional maladjustment such as anxiety, loss of sleep or loss of interest,” according to an article written by Karisma Kasilag for HIPP Magazine—it’s time to switch.
Good luck!
Photo by Andy Falconer on Unsplash
